I have two very important notes for you. While I was reading your script, it felt like I was reading a TV pilot because there are so many plots going on at one time and so many characters to follow. Is this supposed to be the way the narrative functions? Something like CRASH, BABEL, etc? If that's the case, I would like to say that you need to establish the characters in a longer form rather than jump from scene to scene to different characters. I was a bit lost going back and forth and I think if you establish the characters better, I would be able to remember them better.
If that is not your intention and we are really supposed to follow one character all the way through, then you need to find a common ground amongst these story lines and see which ones are more important to you, because it seems a bit episodic (which isn't bad), just not sure if that's your intention.
Another thing is that I see tons and tons of dialogue and not enough action lines. We need to see how they are acting or reacting when they respond to another person, so you have a lot of work to do with that.
I know you just started writing this, but I want to make sure you are on your way to writing every single day because you have a lot of work ahead of you and I know you can pull it off.
As I've said before, you've got a great "hook." I'm interested right away by all of this craziness and the way (I imagine) your anchors would deliver the lines. You could lose some fat in this opening but, for the most part, it works.
As far as Masoud's comment about lots of dialogue and no action, I disagree. This is fine, just be sure to describe characters with succint, memorable details when they'e introduced so we don't have to go back and say "who's Petra" or "Samantha" or whoever. Get to Greg faster if he's your lead and give your characters "business" so they aren't too "talking head-ish." Also, if you're going to write a talky film, you need AMAZING dialogue. Read Sorkin's work, Matt Weiner's, read classics like Casablance, Network, and Sullivan's Travels. Also, David Mamet. Dialogue-driven films need good dialogue and your characters' voices aren't quite unique enough yet. The scene where one of your characters describes some girl's tits has a great back-and-forth to it, aim for that sort of thing.
Overall, your short was better because it had focus. I felt like this was meandering a bit. It might behoove you to introduce all of your characters by page 15 (approx) then follow your main characters' story enough to establish a general sense of who they are. Afterward, you can zip around willy nilly and as long as we get back to our hero we'll be just fine.
So, I'd like to see: punchier dialogue, more distinct characters, and cleaner scene orginization.
I like the idea of this alternate-universe satire and I'm glad that you're interested in the examination of our times and our region. I think you can delve into some interesting shit, what I want you to do is to create an interesting, cynic to do the delving.
Conrad -
ReplyDeleteI have two very important notes for you. While I was reading your script, it felt like I was reading a TV pilot because there are so many plots going on at one time and so many characters to follow. Is this supposed to be the way the narrative functions? Something like CRASH, BABEL, etc? If that's the case, I would like to say that you need to establish the characters in a longer form rather than jump from scene to scene to different characters. I was a bit lost going back and forth and I think if you establish the characters better, I would be able to remember them better.
If that is not your intention and we are really supposed to follow one character all the way through, then you need to find a common ground amongst these story lines and see which ones are more important to you, because it seems a bit episodic (which isn't bad), just not sure if that's your intention.
Another thing is that I see tons and tons of dialogue and not enough action lines. We need to see how they are acting or reacting when they respond to another person, so you have a lot of work to do with that.
I know you just started writing this, but I want to make sure you are on your way to writing every single day because you have a lot of work ahead of you and I know you can pull it off.
Good luck and keep writing, Conrad!
As I've said before, you've got a great "hook." I'm interested right away by all of this craziness and the way (I imagine) your anchors would deliver the lines. You could lose some fat in this opening but, for the most part, it works.
ReplyDeleteAs far as Masoud's comment about lots of dialogue and no action, I disagree. This is fine, just be sure to describe characters with succint, memorable details when they'e introduced so we don't have to go back and say "who's Petra" or "Samantha" or whoever. Get to Greg faster if he's your lead and give your characters "business" so they aren't too "talking head-ish." Also, if you're going to write a talky film, you need AMAZING dialogue. Read Sorkin's work, Matt Weiner's, read classics like Casablance, Network, and Sullivan's Travels. Also, David Mamet. Dialogue-driven films need good dialogue and your characters' voices aren't quite unique enough yet. The scene where one of your characters describes some girl's tits has a great back-and-forth to it, aim for that sort of thing.
Overall, your short was better because it had focus. I felt like this was meandering a bit. It might behoove you to introduce all of your characters by page 15 (approx) then follow your main characters' story enough to establish a general sense of who they are. Afterward, you can zip around willy nilly and as long as we get back to our hero we'll be just fine.
So, I'd like to see: punchier dialogue, more distinct characters, and cleaner scene orginization.
I like the idea of this alternate-universe satire and I'm glad that you're interested in the examination of our times and our region. I think you can delve into some interesting shit, what I want you to do is to create an interesting, cynic to do the delving.
Does that help? I hope so.
-Joey