I read your script yesterday, so I have had a day to think about it and let it grasp in. You have a very engaging story going on and the back-and-forth narration helps to keep the story moving.
However, I have noticed that at some parts of the story, I want a little more description of what the characters are doing, what they look like (as far as their emotions), etc. I know this is a second draft (if I'm not mistaken), but I would like you to go into more detail about those things because while the dialogue is there, we also have to see how the characters act and re-act in the situations they are put in.
You have done a great job with the dialogue. I think it flows well and it suits the time period the story is set in. There were several parts in the dialogue that need some re-wording because they were grammatically incorrect or awkward. Just keep an eye out for those things.
As far as the story goes, I think your inciting incident is fine, but the "plot point" that's supposed to occur at the end of Act 1 seems to not lay out too much at stake. We see Michelangelo's success, but it does not tell me what awaits him in the following act. It is interesting, but it needs to have much higher stake. At that point, it feels that he doesn't have anything to achieve or overcome, so make sure you work on that.
One last note: I want to make sure you are writing as much as you can, every day. You have a very complex story and you need to be a lot further than you are at this point. I don't mean to pry, but I would like to see close to the end of act 2, if not the end, by the next deliverable. Why do I say this? We are writing screenplays and they require countless re-writes and edits, so the faster you write the bulk of it, the more time you have to edit your story.
So keep writing. Aside from those notes, you are doing great. Keep it up!
The most important thing: I found myself following this story very well. It interested me and it kept me going. It was not difficult to read, and I think it would make for a really good movie. You have a really strong grasp on how these characters should speak, and I found the descriptions you gave to be really immersing.
I think you put all of the scenes exactly where they needed to be, and we get a really clear look at who Michelangelo is. You have the morgue, which is important.
You might be a bit lean at 25 pages for the first act, but it is a lot of action, so maybe it will translate to longer.
The biggest issue I had personally was one of spelling. While it doesn't get in the way of the story, it can keep an otherwise interested audience from reading it. Get your apostrophes in there. Can't, don't, didn't, etc. That shouldn't take too long.
pg 1- slugline should be more specific than "ROME." Maybe "ROMAN STREET" or "EXT. BASILICA SAN PIETRO..."
"as the sun is beginning to set" should simply be "as the sun sets" try to cut "ings" out of your script, it'll read smoother and, more importantly, faster.
Take out "begin" and all its forms unless you feel they're absolutely necessary. Example: when you say "he takes" it is implied that the act of taking begins, you do not need to say "he begins to take."
"day's take," not "days take" Also, this sentence lacks punctuation.
Capitalize "circle"
So far, your writing is wordy. I don't mean you use big-words, I mean you're using too many words. Go through and reword your sentences so that though flow better and faster. Be economical.
"straight" not "strait"
Okay, if this is how many typos you're going to have on page one, I can't read the script and keep correcting things for you. I won't be able to follow the story, so just proofread, brush up on formatting, grammar, and punctuation, and have someone read your script to you so you.
Okay, I'm on page 3 and already you've misspelled "underneath" wrong more than once. That's pretty serious.
One last thing, before I just start reading, stop using "looking" so often, "dead-looking," "ornate-looking," etc. it's inferred that something "looks" a certain way if you're describing it. So they're ornate-looking decorations, just say "ornate decor." Look and begin are big problem words in this script.
Just finished -- here are my general notes:
Alex, you have WAY too many errors. Literally over a hundred in under 30 pages. There are spelling errors, myriad words lacking apostrophes, botched verb tenses, character names floating mid-page and sans dialogue, incorrect formatting, and awkward sentence structure. This just doesn't look enough like a screenplay yet. There a tons of scripts online. Download a few, put them next to yours and make your script look and sound more like the professional scripts.
Nicolo, Lorenzo, Giovanni, and Michelangelo all seem to be sort of impishly cocky. Your dialogue needs some polishing, a lot of the begining has a clangy rhythm to it- mostly due to awkward wording in an attempt to sound "period." I like the final scenes, they really started to flow. Get to these faster, if you can, the spies aren't really working for me yet. Michelangelo's father seems a bit flat as well. Give him more to do, more opinions or a personal or something else that adds some texture because now he just seems like "disapproving father figure #27398."
I admire the ambition of this project but look at it this way: the market is great for comedy, genre and adventure flicks; dramas and biopics are tough sells for a new writer. The fact that the first 30 pages are hard to read, riddled with errors and don't really catch their stride until Nicolo meets Michelangelo makes this already uphill battle even harder for you.
There are some fun bits and pieces, even some intrigue, but they're drowning here.
Alex -
ReplyDeleteI read your script yesterday, so I have had a day to think about it and let it grasp in. You have a very engaging story going on and the back-and-forth narration helps to keep the story moving.
However, I have noticed that at some parts of the story, I want a little more description of what the characters are doing, what they look like (as far as their emotions), etc. I know this is a second draft (if I'm not mistaken), but I would like you to go into more detail about those things because while the dialogue is there, we also have to see how the characters act and re-act in the situations they are put in.
You have done a great job with the dialogue. I think it flows well and it suits the time period the story is set in. There were several parts in the dialogue that need some re-wording because they were grammatically incorrect or awkward. Just keep an eye out for those things.
As far as the story goes, I think your inciting incident is fine, but the "plot point" that's supposed to occur at the end of Act 1 seems to not lay out too much at stake. We see Michelangelo's success, but it does not tell me what awaits him in the following act. It is interesting, but it needs to have much higher stake. At that point, it feels that he doesn't have anything to achieve or overcome, so make sure you work on that.
One last note: I want to make sure you are writing as much as you can, every day. You have a very complex story and you need to be a lot further than you are at this point. I don't mean to pry, but I would like to see close to the end of act 2, if not the end, by the next deliverable. Why do I say this? We are writing screenplays and they require countless re-writes and edits, so the faster you write the bulk of it, the more time you have to edit your story.
So keep writing. Aside from those notes, you are doing great. Keep it up!
Alex,
ReplyDeleteThe most important thing: I found myself following this story very well. It interested me and it kept me going. It was not difficult to read, and I think it would make for a really good movie. You have a really strong grasp on how these characters should speak, and I found the descriptions you gave to be really immersing.
I think you put all of the scenes exactly where they needed to be, and we get a really clear look at who Michelangelo is. You have the morgue, which is important.
You might be a bit lean at 25 pages for the first act, but it is a lot of action, so maybe it will translate to longer.
The biggest issue I had personally was one of spelling. While it doesn't get in the way of the story, it can keep an otherwise interested audience from reading it. Get your apostrophes in there. Can't, don't, didn't, etc. That shouldn't take too long.
Good work, man.
SPECIFICS:
ReplyDeletepg 1- slugline should be more specific than "ROME." Maybe "ROMAN STREET" or "EXT. BASILICA SAN PIETRO..."
"as the sun is beginning to set" should simply be "as the sun sets" try to cut "ings" out of your script, it'll read smoother and, more importantly, faster.
Take out "begin" and all its forms unless you feel they're absolutely necessary. Example: when you say "he takes" it is implied that the act of taking begins, you do not need to say "he begins to take."
"day's take," not "days take" Also, this sentence lacks punctuation.
Capitalize "circle"
So far, your writing is wordy. I don't mean you use big-words, I mean you're using too many words. Go through and reword your sentences so that though flow better and faster. Be economical.
"straight" not "strait"
Okay, if this is how many typos you're going to have on page one, I can't read the script and keep correcting things for you. I won't be able to follow the story, so just proofread, brush up on formatting, grammar, and punctuation, and have someone read your script to you so you.
Okay, I'm on page 3 and already you've misspelled "underneath" wrong more than once. That's pretty serious.
One last thing, before I just start reading, stop using "looking" so often, "dead-looking," "ornate-looking," etc. it's inferred that something "looks" a certain way if you're describing it. So they're ornate-looking decorations, just say "ornate decor." Look and begin are big problem words in this script.
Just finished -- here are my general notes:
Alex, you have WAY too many errors. Literally over a hundred in under 30 pages. There are spelling errors, myriad words lacking apostrophes, botched verb tenses, character names floating mid-page and sans dialogue, incorrect formatting, and awkward sentence structure. This just doesn't look enough like a screenplay yet. There a tons of scripts online. Download a few, put them next to yours and make your script look and sound more like the professional scripts.
Nicolo, Lorenzo, Giovanni, and Michelangelo all seem to be sort of impishly cocky. Your dialogue needs some polishing, a lot of the begining has a clangy rhythm to it- mostly due to awkward wording in an attempt to sound "period." I like the final scenes, they really started to flow. Get to these faster, if you can, the spies aren't really working for me yet. Michelangelo's father seems a bit flat as well. Give him more to do, more opinions or a personal or something else that adds some texture because now he just seems like "disapproving father figure #27398."
I admire the ambition of this project but look at it this way: the market is great for comedy, genre and adventure flicks; dramas and biopics are tough sells for a new writer. The fact that the first 30 pages are hard to read, riddled with errors and don't really catch their stride until Nicolo meets Michelangelo makes this already uphill battle even harder for you.
There are some fun bits and pieces, even some intrigue, but they're drowning here.