Quick & dirty: I uploaded the latest version of my pilot for "Top Rung." It's a little over 40 pgs. including act breaks. Format's a one-hour, single-camera drama/dark comedy serial, intended for a primetime slot on FOX, ABC, CBS or NBC.
Series Logline: Coming of age series follows the exploits of Catholic high school senior, Tony Scaletto, set against the collapse of Kansas City's most powerful crime families.
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I have an updated "series bible," but I'd like to create a more innovative one with visuals before I post it.
This script contains a significant amount of Italian, Sicilian and Italian-American slang. I might upload a glossary at some point, just for fun. You should be able to figure most of the ItAm slang out using context clues. I would deter you from using an online translator to figure anything out because the words' meanings are often translated too literally. One subplot in this pilot is completely in Italian without subtitles so as not to give away too much too soon. The core of this subplot is, I think, simple enough that you don't need to know the details until they're revealed in later episodes.
I appreciate feedback on everything. Because this is a series' pilot, my main questions are: 1. Are the characters engaging and fresh? 2. Would you be interested in "tuning-in next week?" Would you recommend the show to someone you care about?
Those are the most important questions, to me, but I'd love to hear your thoughts on everything else (dialogue, plot, setting, etc)
Also, if you spot any typos, PLEASE include them in your feedback with the pg # and approximate page location (top, middle, bottom), that's always helpful.
I enjoyed reading this because throughout the whole thing, I kept thinking when we will see the mafia-like storyline again since in the 2nd and 3rd act you focused more on Tony and his friends. I knew it would tie in some how with the mafia, so it kept me reading.
The interaction amongst the characters, specifically Tony and his friends, was very authentic in my opinion, and quite funny - especially the car ride with Mary. One thing was that I kept wondering which one of the girls was going to be the future-love interest of Tony's, since there were quite a few female characters, but at this point, it seems to be clear it will be Britney (nice name, by the way!)
So I think the above paragraph shows that yes, the characters are engaging. I don't understand Italian, so I had a hard time following those scenes, but it still kept my interest.
For me, I love shows - and movies - where characters have authentic relationships, especially the youth and fun crowd. This mixed with the gangster/mafia subplot and the mystery that revolves around Tony has my interest to "tune in next week."
For me personally, I would like to see a little bit more romance spark with Britney, just because that part of shows always catches my interest more than everything else. That said, I would recommend it to someone I care about.
With the above points mentioned, from a first read, I found some parts you might want to look at again (grammatically, etc): Page 14, Your, not You're Page 21 - a hierarchy, not an hierarchy Page 36 - "You know, you remind me a lot much of your mother?" It sounds awkward Page 42 - plays MUSIC, not play music (since it is sound, after all).
I hope the points I raised above are helpful. This seems very promising and I cannot wait for the next draft!
I feel like every time I read one of your scripts, I learn a little bit more about screenwriting.
To be perfectly honest, I don't see much wrong with this script. It is extremely detailed, the dialogue is pretty good, and the events all work together.
My complaints:
You describe Tony as handsome a lot. I'm not sure it's really necessary.
Your racism is too racist. It's not really funny. I don't think you can say the word "niglet" on prime time television of any kind. Even when you immediately condemn it. The argument with Charlotte doesn't make any sense to me at all. He makes a bunch of racist comments, and then calls her racist.
I don't really like your main character. He's a little bit too perfect right now. His main drawbacks as a human are really just extremes of his good traits. He's an asshole, but only because he's smart. He makes fun of people's grammar, but only because he knows grammar so well. And his pain really doesn't come through. He pissed off his grandparents, and he describes it in words how pained he is about it, but it doesn't come out in the behavior. He doesn't withdraw. It's not necessary, but he doesn't seem to feel. His pain doesn't color his experience in any way.
Finally, while I enjoyed your script a lot, and I think it's sound, it's really inaccessible. I consider myself a pretty pretentious person, and I found this pretentious. Half of the script is in Italian, and while I understand that there's an effect given by that, I don't know how long you can make an audience sit through something they don't understand. I'm not sure what the point is, really, of showing any of that. Imagining that we don't understand the words, what we're left with in a lot of those scenes is just a discussion between people about something, where one guy asks the others to sit down. I wonder if it can't be shortened.
I made comments on the script itself, but I think I covered them all here, and I won't bother uploading it. I think that you're pretty much done with this script. There's tweaks here and there, but I think you're better off waiting to change big parts until someone's paying you to do so.
Quick & dirty: I uploaded the latest version of my pilot for "Top Rung." It's a little over 40 pgs. including act breaks. Format's a one-hour, single-camera drama/dark comedy serial, intended for a primetime slot on FOX, ABC, CBS or NBC.
ReplyDeleteSeries Logline: Coming of age series follows the exploits of Catholic high school senior, Tony Scaletto, set against the collapse of Kansas City's most powerful crime families.
***
I have an updated "series bible," but I'd like to create a more innovative one with visuals before I post it.
This script contains a significant amount of Italian, Sicilian and Italian-American slang. I might upload a glossary at some point, just for fun. You should be able to figure most of the ItAm slang out using context clues. I would deter you from using an online translator to figure anything out because the words' meanings are often translated too literally. One subplot in this pilot is completely in Italian without subtitles so as not to give away too much too soon. The core of this subplot is, I think, simple enough that you don't need to know the details until they're revealed in later episodes.
I appreciate feedback on everything. Because this is a series' pilot, my main questions are: 1. Are the characters engaging and fresh? 2. Would you be interested in "tuning-in next week?" Would you recommend the show to someone you care about?
Those are the most important questions, to me, but I'd love to hear your thoughts on everything else (dialogue, plot, setting, etc)
Also, if you spot any typos, PLEASE include them in your feedback with the pg # and approximate page location (top, middle, bottom), that's always helpful.
Thanks guys.
Joey -
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed reading this because throughout the whole thing, I kept thinking when we will see the mafia-like storyline again since in the 2nd and 3rd act you focused more on Tony and his friends. I knew it would tie in some how with the mafia, so it kept me reading.
The interaction amongst the characters, specifically Tony and his friends, was very authentic in my opinion, and quite funny - especially the car ride with Mary. One thing was that I kept wondering which one of the girls was going to be the future-love interest of Tony's, since there were quite a few female characters, but at this point, it seems to be clear it will be Britney (nice name, by the way!)
So I think the above paragraph shows that yes, the characters are engaging. I don't understand Italian, so I had a hard time following those scenes, but it still kept my interest.
For me, I love shows - and movies - where characters have authentic relationships, especially the youth and fun crowd. This mixed with the gangster/mafia subplot and the mystery that revolves around Tony has my interest to "tune in next week."
For me personally, I would like to see a little bit more romance spark with Britney, just because that part of shows always catches my interest more than everything else. That said, I would recommend it to someone I care about.
With the above points mentioned, from a first read, I found some parts you might want to look at again (grammatically, etc):
Page 14, Your, not You're
Page 21 - a hierarchy, not an hierarchy
Page 36 - "You know, you remind me a lot much of your mother?" It sounds awkward
Page 42 - plays MUSIC, not play music (since it is sound, after all).
I hope the points I raised above are helpful. This seems very promising and I cannot wait for the next draft!
I feel like every time I read one of your scripts, I learn a little bit more about screenwriting.
ReplyDeleteTo be perfectly honest, I don't see much wrong with this script. It is extremely detailed, the dialogue is pretty good, and the events all work together.
My complaints:
You describe Tony as handsome a lot. I'm not sure it's really necessary.
Your racism is too racist. It's not really funny. I don't think you can say the word "niglet" on prime time television of any kind. Even when you immediately condemn it. The argument with Charlotte doesn't make any sense to me at all. He makes a bunch of racist comments, and then calls her racist.
I don't really like your main character. He's a little bit too perfect right now. His main drawbacks as a human are really just extremes of his good traits. He's an asshole, but only because he's smart. He makes fun of people's grammar, but only because he knows grammar so well. And his pain really doesn't come through. He pissed off his grandparents, and he describes it in words how pained he is about it, but it doesn't come out in the behavior. He doesn't withdraw. It's not necessary, but he doesn't seem to feel. His pain doesn't color his experience in any way.
Finally, while I enjoyed your script a lot, and I think it's sound, it's really inaccessible. I consider myself a pretty pretentious person, and I found this pretentious. Half of the script is in Italian, and while I understand that there's an effect given by that, I don't know how long you can make an audience sit through something they don't understand. I'm not sure what the point is, really, of showing any of that. Imagining that we don't understand the words, what we're left with in a lot of those scenes is just a discussion between people about something, where one guy asks the others to sit down. I wonder if it can't be shortened.
I made comments on the script itself, but I think I covered them all here, and I won't bother uploading it. I think that you're pretty much done with this script. There's tweaks here and there, but I think you're better off waiting to change big parts until someone's paying you to do so.