Just got through your script. You should be proud of 86 pages.
I've made notes on the script itself, and I'm going to upload them to the dropbox. I think that's way easier than going through page by page.
The biggest things: The conflict between Maura and her family does not make sense yet. You don't seem to have a really clear idea of what has happened, and you need to for us to believe it. Right now, it seems like a placeholder problem. I think you just need to spend a couple of minutes making some quick decisions about the nature of that problem and your story will be a lot better.
I don't think you know who Craig is yet. He's bland. The other Craigs are interesting, but we need to like the real Craig first.
That brings me to another issue. I think we need a glimpse into how happy Craig and Maura were before. Pictures could be one way, or maybe a flashback. Maybe she watches the wedding video.
It's really poignant when Maura realizes that as soon as she sleeps the perfect world is over. That moment was really cool.
Okay, now I'm going to make sure all of my comments are still on the document, and then I'll be uploading it.
Okay, I uploaded the file. My notes seem to still be there. I used preview on a mac to write them in. Let me know if it works. It might be an easier way for us to give feedback.
I'd actually reel your descriptions in a bit, you're leading your actors too much and you do a lot "this accentuates that" or "that compliments this" kinds of things that makes this all read a touch overwritten. I'm guilty of this a lot, so I recognize where you're coming from. Example: "A wide smile forms on Stephanie's lips" should simply be "Stephanie smiles." Just edit yourself, clean this up and try to focus on flowy, stylish sentences (and sentence fragments) rather than lulling descriptions. Does that make sense? There are minor spelling errors (page 5- "oven" not "over") but mostly forgivable. Sentence structure seems to be your biggest weakness. Focus on flow. Force someone to read your script out loud to you.
You're dialogue works, for me. Your formatting is solid, this is starting to look a lot more professional than last semester's draft; still, try to download some screenplays online so that you can get even better. Read Revolutionary Road's script and American Beauty. Devour and Conquer.
I like the dinner party scene and the fight between Craig and Maura, it's still very authentic and it's interesting to see Maura put on her hostess hat. Also, this is a weird aside but, Joseph and Max's names, together, sound weirdly Communist to me. Did anyone else have that impression?
Maura and Craig say too much in the bedroom scene. Start late, leave early and try not to write the dialogue so clearly, I feel like Maura would be opaque here, that we (and Craig) should be fighting to understand the source of her unhappiness.
It's nice that we get the whole "you're not the same" speech, because most people can identify with falling in love with an "idea" of someone, and finding out that it isn't working.
A lot of your characters "GRUNT" I'll have to have you demonstrate this on Thursday to see if our definitions of "grunt" coincide.
The Stephanie/Maura brunch is, I realize, in a dream-sequence; even so, Stephanie reacts a little too nonchalantly to Blonde Maura's "odd" behavior.
Craig's debt is a nice, current subplot. Just make sure it's well-researched.
Maura's interaction with her mother, Candace, (starting on 47) feels a little too "General Hospital" and expository.
After Craig's "we'll come get you" I predicted that he and Stephanie were an item. This is all starting to get a little soapy- is that what you're going for?
Maura irritates me a bit. She's desperate and weepy, I wish she was a stronger woman so I could root for her. Real-world Craig seems a lot more authentic and defensible. The other Craigs are, arguably, charicatures.
Use the "INTERCUT" function during phone conversations so it reads easier.
It's quite clever of you to put "perfect life" so late in the script, the audience will really appreciate this break from all the suffering and it makes it all the more fucked-up when we pull the rug out from under her again. Smart.
Overall, act 2 has enough subplots to keep the steam going. Still, I'm not engaged during most of it. This doesn't feel as personal or exciting as it could because I'm not invested in Maura. When I see her miserableness wane and her gratefulness wax in the perfect sequence it was surprisingly refreshing. Beware the soap-opera plotting. Things get a little overdramatic with all the "I'm leaving" and the grunting and gasping and simpering and tittering. Overdramatize a piece can ostracize your audience from feeling a real emotion because it seems so "play-acty," use subtext and nuance whenever possible. It makes audience members feel clever when they go, "Oh, the way he said "we'll" means that he and Stephanie on gonna get together."
All in all, you could edit this down quite a bit and improve your action descriptions. It is, overall, an interesting premise; unfortunately, I'm not connecting to it. I'm into the arguement at the begininning and the having children plot and Maura's want for her family, I just want it to touch me without being manipulative (which actually requires more manipulation, or at least slier manipulation).
I think you'll make good use of these notes and have fun re-writing. I look forward to your progress.
Hey Masoud,
ReplyDeleteJust got through your script. You should be proud of 86 pages.
I've made notes on the script itself, and I'm going to upload them to the dropbox. I think that's way easier than going through page by page.
The biggest things:
The conflict between Maura and her family does not make sense yet. You don't seem to have a really clear idea of what has happened, and you need to for us to believe it. Right now, it seems like a placeholder problem. I think you just need to spend a couple of minutes making some quick decisions about the nature of that problem and your story will be a lot better.
I don't think you know who Craig is yet. He's bland. The other Craigs are interesting, but we need to like the real Craig first.
That brings me to another issue. I think we need a glimpse into how happy Craig and Maura were before. Pictures could be one way, or maybe a flashback. Maybe she watches the wedding video.
It's really poignant when Maura realizes that as soon as she sleeps the perfect world is over. That moment was really cool.
Okay, now I'm going to make sure all of my comments are still on the document, and then I'll be uploading it.
Okay, I uploaded the file. My notes seem to still be there. I used preview on a mac to write them in. Let me know if it works. It might be an easier way for us to give feedback.
ReplyDeleteMasoud,
ReplyDeleteI'd actually reel your descriptions in a bit, you're leading your actors too much and you do a lot "this accentuates that" or "that compliments this" kinds of things that makes this all read a touch overwritten. I'm guilty of this a lot, so I recognize where you're coming from. Example: "A wide smile forms on Stephanie's lips" should simply be "Stephanie smiles." Just edit yourself, clean this up and try to focus on flowy, stylish sentences (and sentence fragments) rather than lulling descriptions. Does that make sense? There are minor spelling errors (page 5- "oven" not "over") but mostly forgivable. Sentence structure seems to be your biggest weakness. Focus on flow. Force someone to read your script out loud to you.
You're dialogue works, for me. Your formatting is solid, this is starting to look a lot more professional than last semester's draft; still, try to download some screenplays online so that you can get even better. Read Revolutionary Road's script and American Beauty. Devour and Conquer.
I like the dinner party scene and the fight between Craig and Maura, it's still very authentic and it's interesting to see Maura put on her hostess hat. Also, this is a weird aside but, Joseph and Max's names, together, sound weirdly Communist to me. Did anyone else have that impression?
Maura and Craig say too much in the bedroom scene. Start late, leave early and try not to write the dialogue so clearly, I feel like Maura would be opaque here, that we (and Craig) should be fighting to understand the source of her unhappiness.
It's nice that we get the whole "you're not the same" speech, because most people can identify with falling in love with an "idea" of someone, and finding out that it isn't working.
A lot of your characters "GRUNT" I'll have to have you demonstrate this on Thursday to see if our definitions of "grunt" coincide.
The Stephanie/Maura brunch is, I realize, in a dream-sequence; even so, Stephanie reacts a little too nonchalantly to Blonde Maura's "odd" behavior.
Craig's debt is a nice, current subplot. Just make sure it's well-researched.
Maura's interaction with her mother, Candace, (starting on 47) feels a little too "General Hospital" and expository.
After Craig's "we'll come get you" I predicted that he and Stephanie were an item. This is all starting to get a little soapy- is that what you're going for?
Maura irritates me a bit. She's desperate and weepy, I wish she was a stronger woman so I could root for her. Real-world Craig seems a lot more authentic and defensible. The other Craigs are, arguably, charicatures.
Use the "INTERCUT" function during phone conversations so it reads easier.
It's quite clever of you to put "perfect life" so late in the script, the audience will really appreciate this break from all the suffering and it makes it all the more fucked-up when we pull the rug out from under her again. Smart.
CONTINUED:
ReplyDeleteOverall, act 2 has enough subplots to keep the steam going. Still, I'm not engaged during most of it. This doesn't feel as personal or exciting as it could because I'm not invested in Maura. When I see her miserableness wane and her gratefulness wax in the perfect sequence it was surprisingly refreshing. Beware the soap-opera plotting. Things get a little overdramatic with all the "I'm leaving" and the grunting and gasping and simpering and tittering. Overdramatize a piece can ostracize your audience from feeling a real emotion because it seems so "play-acty," use subtext and nuance whenever possible. It makes audience members feel clever when they go, "Oh, the way he said "we'll" means that he and Stephanie on gonna get together."
All in all, you could edit this down quite a bit and improve your action descriptions. It is, overall, an interesting premise; unfortunately, I'm not connecting to it. I'm into the arguement at the begininning and the having children plot and Maura's want for her family, I just want it to touch me without being manipulative (which actually requires more manipulation, or at least slier manipulation).
I think you'll make good use of these notes and have fun re-writing. I look forward to your progress.