I just uploaded my script up through act 2. I am thinking of revising and possibly finishing the script as best as I can tomorrow, so if you can wait at all before reading it, I would encourage you to do so. I will delete the script in the dropbox now and upload a new one tomorrow. Also, I need to have a solid draft by the beginning of April for my honors thesis, and if you guys would be willing to read it once more before then, I would be indebted to you.
I think you've come a long way since you started with the story and I can tell you have thought greatly about the direction you want to take the final product. However, I think the most important thing is to make sure you do not have any spelling errors.
Sometimes, you just miss them by accident because you are so busy trying to get the story down, so I think you should read and re-read your script only for the purpose of spelling errors. I can point to the very bottom of page 3 with "he clothes..." which should be "his clothes." Just look out for that stuff, I know I've had a few of those errors as well and it's best to get rid of them asap.
As far as formatting goes, I think I prefer this draft to the last one because I am able to follow the characters better. In the last one, you jumped so quickly from character to character that it became distracting!
I really like the dynamics of Greg's character and how he evolves over the course of the story. I think we definitely see his character arc. Your dialogue is a lot stronger now, but I still want to see some more tweaking. A lot of the long paragraph dialogues you have can be said in much shorter sentences and still say the same exact thing.
Another thing I noticed was that you did not have any act separators. It was just a long run on story with no pauses. Please make sure you distinguish where act 1,2, and 3 end. It not only makes the reading easier for us, but also is the proper format you should be following.
Overall, you have come a long way and props on you for getting as far as you have! Just keep reading your script a few times and see where you can trim or re-word dialogue (since this is a very dialogue heavy story). Sometimes what really helps me is that I read my drafts only for grammar/spelling once, or just for story points, and avoid making changes for a few days so I have a fresh mind. I think you will find a great deal of benefit in that.
I finally uploaded the full draft. I have to warn you guys that it's pretty rough. I haven't fixed the spelling errors that Masoud mentioned yet, and I haven't checked it too much for anything else. Also, there's no act breaks. But I wanted to make sure that you have the most to work with and to help me with because I have a deadline much closer than the other capstone deadlines.
Let's start with what I know:
I know that Greg's story has taken a much smaller part in the story. I'm not sure what he needs. I need ideas here.
I know that the majority of the stories have someone blocky progressions. Some scenes seem to make huge leaps without proper motivation. I can use some advice here as well.
The immigrant story line is incredibly heavy-handed and I don't know what to do about that right now.
Candice does not yet make a whole lot of sense. Same with Camille. I think they have potential, but I think that my solutions are really shaky.
I don't know if I like the ending yet. I changed this drastically from the last draft in that the entire metropolitan area burns, and for that reason, everyone has to get out. I thought it would be jumping too far ahead to have them in another town already, and there's a nice rhyme in having them all in cars. How does that work for you?
Well, that's about all I can think of now. I'm going to work on polishing this a bit and weeding out the spelling errors (mostly my fingers just types the wrong word). Please bear with me, I rewrote the beginning and wrote from page 73 to the end in the last couple days.
Hey man. First congrats on getting so much done. Way to bust it out. Here are some notes I took while reading: Pg. 6 Evelyn 2nd line “beck to back”
Pg 9. Greg seems “dressed nicely” in the present as well as the flashback. Maybe try contrasting his dress to show his current situation.
Pg 11. Shouldn’t everyone have evacuated by now? Malcolm is still sleeping in his house. Eddie comments how everyone is going about their business calmly. The airport is up and running normally?
Pg 22. Jake is a little too over the top. Right now, the scene with Jake isn’t feeling natural to me. I’m not sure what its getting at.
It is mentioned a few times that the party is the only thing “keeping sally sane,” she says so herself a few times. However I’m not seeing that beyond it simply being stated.
Pg 27 Sally mentions that Greg is a writer. It might be good to hint at that before when he is sitting in the restaurant. Something as simple as having him trying to write in a notebook for instance.
Pg 32 I think you could take the opportunity to explain the whole “burning down of phoenix”phenomena when they are talking to Candice. At this point, I think the audience might want to know more about it. Maybe Malcolm or Eddie learned about it in a class once?
I’m amused by Will and Petra
Pg 40 I don’t really the feel the weight of Eva getting the band on board
Pg 49. I’m kind of confused that Juan, Alejandro and Hugo are now all of a sudden working construction later that day? I know you mention that they got the job very quickly, but as its written its hard to suspend disbelief. - On second thought, it is working to satirize the attitude of “blaming everything on Mexicans”
Pg 51. I like Petras “tutu or a tennis racket line”
Although this piece does have some funny moments and some decent satire, one thing I kept feeling was that I didn't know who this story was about. At first I would be inclined to think it was about Greg, but aside from the beginning bit of information, we dont find out a lot about him. We dont find out much about anyone in fact, just little tidbits here and there. A lot of the scenes felt incomplete to me, which i think you realize based on your blog post. I think we can workshop it some to help this. So lets definitely talk/meet outside of class.
Also, I'm extremely disturbed by the lack of titties.
All in all though, good work. It definitely will progress.
I just uploaded my script up through act 2. I am thinking of revising and possibly finishing the script as best as I can tomorrow, so if you can wait at all before reading it, I would encourage you to do so. I will delete the script in the dropbox now and upload a new one tomorrow. Also, I need to have a solid draft by the beginning of April for my honors thesis, and if you guys would be willing to read it once more before then, I would be indebted to you.
ReplyDeleteThanks!
Conrad,
ReplyDeleteI think you've come a long way since you started with the story and I can tell you have thought greatly about the direction you want to take the final product. However, I think the most important thing is to make sure you do not have any spelling errors.
Sometimes, you just miss them by accident because you are so busy trying to get the story down, so I think you should read and re-read your script only for the purpose of spelling errors. I can point to the very bottom of page 3 with "he clothes..." which should be "his clothes." Just look out for that stuff, I know I've had a few of those errors as well and it's best to get rid of them asap.
As far as formatting goes, I think I prefer this draft to the last one because I am able to follow the characters better. In the last one, you jumped so quickly from character to character that it became distracting!
I really like the dynamics of Greg's character and how he evolves over the course of the story. I think we definitely see his character arc. Your dialogue is a lot stronger now, but I still want to see some more tweaking. A lot of the long paragraph dialogues you have can be said in much shorter sentences and still say the same exact thing.
Another thing I noticed was that you did not have any act separators. It was just a long run on story with no pauses. Please make sure you distinguish where act 1,2, and 3 end. It not only makes the reading easier for us, but also is the proper format you should be following.
Overall, you have come a long way and props on you for getting as far as you have! Just keep reading your script a few times and see where you can trim or re-word dialogue (since this is a very dialogue heavy story). Sometimes what really helps me is that I read my drafts only for grammar/spelling once, or just for story points, and avoid making changes for a few days so I have a fresh mind. I think you will find a great deal of benefit in that.
Good job and keep it up!
I finally uploaded the full draft. I have to warn you guys that it's pretty rough. I haven't fixed the spelling errors that Masoud mentioned yet, and I haven't checked it too much for anything else. Also, there's no act breaks. But I wanted to make sure that you have the most to work with and to help me with because I have a deadline much closer than the other capstone deadlines.
ReplyDeleteLet's start with what I know:
I know that Greg's story has taken a much smaller part in the story. I'm not sure what he needs. I need ideas here.
I know that the majority of the stories have someone blocky progressions. Some scenes seem to make huge leaps without proper motivation. I can use some advice here as well.
The immigrant story line is incredibly heavy-handed and I don't know what to do about that right now.
Candice does not yet make a whole lot of sense. Same with Camille. I think they have potential, but I think that my solutions are really shaky.
I don't know if I like the ending yet. I changed this drastically from the last draft in that the entire metropolitan area burns, and for that reason, everyone has to get out. I thought it would be jumping too far ahead to have them in another town already, and there's a nice rhyme in having them all in cars. How does that work for you?
Well, that's about all I can think of now. I'm going to work on polishing this a bit and weeding out the spelling errors (mostly my fingers just types the wrong word). Please bear with me, I rewrote the beginning and wrote from page 73 to the end in the last couple days.
Thanks guys!
Hey man.
ReplyDeleteFirst congrats on getting so much done. Way to bust it out.
Here are some notes I took while reading:
Pg. 6 Evelyn 2nd line “beck to back”
Pg 9. Greg seems “dressed nicely” in the present as well as the flashback. Maybe try contrasting his dress to show his current situation.
Pg 11. Shouldn’t everyone have evacuated by now? Malcolm is still sleeping in his house. Eddie comments how everyone is going about their business calmly. The airport is up and running normally?
Pg 22. Jake is a little too over the top. Right now, the scene with Jake isn’t feeling natural to me. I’m not sure what its getting at.
It is mentioned a few times that the party is the only thing “keeping sally sane,” she says so herself a few times. However I’m not seeing that beyond it simply being stated.
Pg 27 Sally mentions that Greg is a writer. It might be good to hint at that before when he is sitting in the restaurant. Something as simple as having him trying to write in a notebook for instance.
Pg 32 I think you could take the opportunity to explain the whole “burning down of phoenix”phenomena when they are talking to Candice. At this point, I think the audience might want to know more about it. Maybe Malcolm or Eddie learned about it in a class once?
I’m amused by Will and Petra
Pg 40 I don’t really the feel the weight of Eva getting the band on board
Pg 49. I’m kind of confused that Juan, Alejandro and Hugo are now all of a sudden working construction later that day? I know you mention that they got the job very quickly, but as its written its hard to suspend disbelief.
- On second thought, it is working to satirize the attitude of “blaming everything on Mexicans”
Pg 51. I like Petras “tutu or a tennis racket line”
Although this piece does have some funny moments and some decent satire, one thing I kept feeling was that I didn't know who this story was about. At first I would be inclined to think it was about Greg, but aside from the beginning bit of information, we dont find out a lot about him. We dont find out much about anyone in fact, just little tidbits here and there. A lot of the scenes felt incomplete to me, which i think you realize based on your blog post. I think we can workshop it some to help this. So lets definitely talk/meet outside of class.
Also, I'm extremely disturbed by the lack of titties.
All in all though, good work. It definitely will progress.
I have uploaded a new draft.
ReplyDelete