As you read my latest draft, think of the following 5 points:
1) Lots of changes to dialogue throughout to get the point across, lower exposition, further the characters. Thoughts?
2) Lunch/shopping scene with Stephanie changed drastically. Better?
3) I've added a lot of insert scenes and a couple flashbacks that give more background into Maura's childhood and explain why she wakes up to those particular realities. Do these make sense to you? By the time you finish reading, is it clear why she wakes up in those realities (this was something I previously had not included in the script)?
4) Act 3 has been added. Anything I have left unanswered?
5) I've taken out some of the things that make Maura seem very bitchy, especially at the beginning during her argument with Craig. Like her better?
6) Any other questions, concerns. I do NOT care if my feelings get hurt. I'll hurt more if what I'm trying to option out sucks and I was left unaware so be frank and give constructive feedback as much as you like!
Thank you again for all the help and feedback you have given me for the past few months. I cannot express my appreciation for it all.
Hey, Masoud. Read the latest draft. Let me condense my notes here:
I still don't like the scene with the mom at the beginning. It doesn't seem completely motivated. I think the conflict is still murky. I think your audience will be really confused as to why her mother is being so cold.
Page 11: hug, not hugs.
Page 14: Kitchens don't have exits, really.
Page 16: "Why? They’re not sensitive about you. Unbelievable. Six years and you’re still not over this." Awkward turn of phrase. you're using the words from the previous line, but it doesn't work.
I like the additions to the work life, and the cell phone stuff.
Page 20: "What you said about my parents, you’re right. I need to somehow deal with my parents’ situation." This is really not specific. Simplify to "I need to deal with my parents" or "I've got to do something about my parents."
22. Craig says "I don't" could say nothing at all.
Page 26, Craig is nervous and tense. They mean the same thing.
I like some of the improvements you made to Maura and Stephanie's dialogue in the first alternate reality, but it could be better. I feel like Maura might be probing the situation rather than asking flat out why things are different. She might try to fit in a bit more. That's my thinking anyway. I like that Stephanie is taking a more active role in defending Maura.
33. They're my family. Line is ambiguous. Technically, he's her family, too.
I think you can use some explanation for each of the scenarios. We get them at the very end, sort of, but I think it needs to be better.
88. "That fight was one of the best * things that has happened to me for * a long time." This line needs to be rephrased.
89. I knew you'd realize this one day. Why does her friend know everything about how her life should play out?
page 91. modest is the wrong word.
The dueling photographs is a heavy handed metaphor.
Overall thoughts:
You've definitely completed the thought, and I am glad to see that.
I'm not sure that you have justified the alternate realities well enough. The flashbacks show that she has problems, but they are unbalanced. There's only two of them. And they may need to be put right next to the alternate realities for us to get it. I think you might want to show her writing some different stories or something, and those become the realities. Either way, I want to see more justification.
I Pretend to Run Away - This is incredibly passive. We don't want to see someone pretend to do anything. The words themselves do not make us think of a situation like your story. They bring to mind images a of a child hiding in the back yard, or something like that. Running away is strong, pretending to do so is not so strong. I personally don't find the phrase that poetic or interesting. I think that it's an inappropriate title.
I think that you can use the remainder of the semester to tweak and to strengthen this piece. You've got the through line, but you can do more.
Alright, so I just submitted then blogger deleted my notes. I will try to recreate them.
First to answer your questions. 1. Much better. Learned more through characters actions, not because they told me so. 2. Liked this scene 3. I didnt think the flashbacks to childhood were necessary. I didnt mind them, but I didnt gain any clarity from them. 4. I felt like you answered everything well enough. By the time act 3 was over I had a good idea of what happend/what was going on. 5. Maura was still bitchy and at times, childish, to me. That said, with the addition of act 3 and her own realization of these traits it worked. Once she recognizes this about herself I was able to sympathise with her. Was this what you were going for? 6. Here are some notes I took while reading:
- Pg. 22/23 Craig gives in to Maura needing space too easily. - Pg 25 “Why is nothing I ever do good enough. Stop hurting me.” Is reading unnaturally to me.
- I really like the end of act I - Good emotion out of pages 60 and 61
-Pg 70 and 71 It bothers me that Maura calls her dad “daddy”. It might just be an aesthetic preference but it doesn’t ring true for me. - I’m not sure Mauras realization about them not having kids on pg 84 is big enough. - Pg. 89 when Stephanie says “I knew youd realize this one day” doesn’t sound natural unless it was something weve seen them talking about before. I’d just rework those lines. - I like that she realizes her selfishness, it made me appreciate her more. - The ending works for me, I think it has a good message about not getting hung up on the past and living in the present that is coming through nicely. Her voice over works. Does Maura and Craig’s reconciliation happen too quickly?
I think you are very close with this draft. Probably entering the fine tuning stage. Nice work! I'm sure we'll talk more about this in person.
Hey y'll!
ReplyDeleteAs you read my latest draft, think of the following 5 points:
1) Lots of changes to dialogue throughout to get the point across, lower exposition, further the characters. Thoughts?
2) Lunch/shopping scene with Stephanie changed drastically. Better?
3) I've added a lot of insert scenes and a couple flashbacks that give more background into Maura's childhood and explain why she wakes up to those particular realities. Do these make sense to you? By the time you finish reading, is it clear why she wakes up in those realities (this was something I previously had not included in the script)?
4) Act 3 has been added. Anything I have left unanswered?
5) I've taken out some of the things that make Maura seem very bitchy, especially at the beginning during her argument with Craig. Like her better?
6) Any other questions, concerns. I do NOT care if my feelings get hurt. I'll hurt more if what I'm trying to option out sucks and I was left unaware so be frank and give constructive feedback as much as you like!
Thank you again for all the help and feedback you have given me for the past few months. I cannot express my appreciation for it all.
Thank you, thank you, and THANK YOU!!!
Hey, Masoud. Read the latest draft. Let me condense my notes here:
ReplyDeleteI still don't like the scene with the mom at the beginning. It doesn't seem completely motivated. I think the conflict is still murky. I think your audience will be really confused as to why her mother is being so cold.
Page 11: hug, not hugs.
Page 14: Kitchens don't have exits, really.
Page 16: "Why? They’re not sensitive about
you. Unbelievable. Six years and you’re still not over this." Awkward turn of phrase. you're using the words from the previous line, but it doesn't work.
I like the additions to the work life, and the cell phone stuff.
Page 20: "What you said about my parents,
you’re right. I need to somehow deal with my parents’ situation." This is really not specific. Simplify to "I need to deal with my parents" or "I've got to do something about my parents."
22. Craig says "I don't" could say nothing at all.
Page 26, Craig is nervous and tense. They mean the same thing.
I like some of the improvements you made to Maura and Stephanie's dialogue in the first alternate reality, but it could be better. I feel like Maura might be probing the situation rather than asking flat out why things are different. She might try to fit in a bit more. That's my thinking anyway. I like that Stephanie is taking a more active role in defending Maura.
33. They're my family. Line is ambiguous. Technically, he's her family, too.
I think you can use some explanation for each of the scenarios. We get them at the very end, sort of, but I think it needs to be better.
88. "That fight was one of the best * things that has happened to me for * a long time." This line needs to be rephrased.
89. I knew you'd realize this one day. Why does her friend know everything about how her life should play out?
page 91. modest is the wrong word.
The dueling photographs is a heavy handed metaphor.
Overall thoughts:
You've definitely completed the thought, and I am glad to see that.
I'm not sure that you have justified the alternate realities well enough. The flashbacks show that she has problems, but they are unbalanced. There's only two of them. And they may need to be put right next to the alternate realities for us to get it. I think you might want to show her writing some different stories or something, and those become the realities. Either way, I want to see more justification.
I Pretend to Run Away - This is incredibly passive. We don't want to see someone pretend to do anything. The words themselves do not make us think of a situation like your story. They bring to mind images a of a child hiding in the back yard, or something like that. Running away is strong, pretending to do so is not so strong. I personally don't find the phrase that poetic or interesting. I think that it's an inappropriate title.
I think that you can use the remainder of the semester to tweak and to strengthen this piece. You've got the through line, but you can do more.
Alright, so I just submitted then blogger deleted my notes. I will try to recreate them.
ReplyDeleteFirst to answer your questions.
1. Much better. Learned more through characters actions, not because they told me so.
2. Liked this scene
3. I didnt think the flashbacks to childhood were necessary. I didnt mind them, but I didnt gain any clarity from them.
4. I felt like you answered everything well enough. By the time act 3 was over I had a good idea of what happend/what was going on.
5. Maura was still bitchy and at times, childish, to me. That said, with the addition of act 3 and her own realization of these traits it worked. Once she recognizes this about herself I was able to sympathise with her. Was this what you were going for?
6. Here are some notes I took while reading:
- Pg. 22/23 Craig gives in to Maura needing space too easily.
- Pg 25 “Why is nothing I ever do good enough. Stop hurting me.” Is reading unnaturally to me.
- I really like the end of act I
- Good emotion out of pages 60 and 61
-Pg 70 and 71 It bothers me that Maura calls her dad “daddy”. It might just be an aesthetic preference but it doesn’t ring true for me.
- I’m not sure Mauras realization about them not having kids on pg 84 is big enough.
- Pg. 89 when Stephanie says “I knew youd realize this one day” doesn’t sound natural unless it was something weve seen them talking about before. I’d just rework those lines.
- I like that she realizes her selfishness, it made me appreciate her more.
- The ending works for me, I think it has a good message about not getting hung up on the past and living in the present that is coming through nicely. Her voice over works. Does Maura and Craig’s reconciliation happen too quickly?
I think you are very close with this draft. Probably entering the fine tuning stage. Nice work! I'm sure we'll talk more about this in person.